Starting a new tradition

Today was mom's birthday. She would have been 65 today! The boys and I bought balloons to put out on her grave site. We also had a picnic lunch while we were there. It's a new tradition that I would like to start. It was nearly 100 degrees outside, so it didn't last long. Maybe next year we might just do cupcakes! Happy birthday to the most influential person in my life and the most wonderful mother there ever was. I hope to be half the mom you were. Love you and miss you everyday.

i dream of you!

Last night I had a dream about you. I dreamt that I was remembering you before you were sick. I remembered your face and your hands, that I held between my hands. I felt the warmth of you skin. I closed my eyes and I squeezed you hands tighter! I didn't want the moment to go! I woke up trying to remember her before she got really sick. I feel like time skipped until she got bad. Did I call her daily, what did we talk about? Did I visit her? I hate having that void.

Happy V-day!

If roses grow in heaven, lord, then pick a bunch for me. Place them in my Mother's arms and tell her they're from me. Tell her that I love and miss her and when she turns to smile, place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile. Happy Valentines Day Mom! I miss you so very much!

Anger

I think I am losing perspective of who I am. I am this mean, frustrated, doesn't care, person. I am totally lost..... Sitting here just pissed off at everyone! I feel alone with no one who cares to listen! I almost feel as though I don't really exist. I think people turn there cheek or avoid me cuz they don't know what to say to me. The time in my life that I need someone to care is now... where are you! You say you are my friend, well be a friend! Call me, ask me how I am doing! Take me out, get me out! I need you! Even if that means that I will cry when you ask.. so what! Isn't that why we have friends? To be the shoulder to cry on! I guess I am suppose to put on my game face, suck it up. I guess you weren't there while she was sick, why would I think you would be here now! I am realizing that I don't have very good friends!

To my brother,
Be ashamed! You were never here for her, or me! You had a choice and you chose to be selfish! She was sick for all those years and you rarely saw her! I was the one her found places for her to live! I handled her medical bills! I took her to the hospital, waiting there for 5hrs while having a 2 YO with me. I was there when placing her in a pych. ward as she turns to me and tells me not to leave her! I did! Not you, me! I have to live with the guilt of leaving her! I was the one who planned her funeral. You got to waltz in the night before funeral to be present. I was there! Where were you?

-Anger

ALZ walk 2011

This year for the ALZ walk, they handed out flowers. Yellow stood for those that knew someone with ALZ, Purple for those who had lost someone with ALZ and Blue for those walkers with ALZ. It was beautiful day but a very difficult! The walk was different then passed years. This year I had to walk "in memory" of mom instead of "in honor" of her!

It Hurts!!!!

I cried when you passed away. I cry today still. Although I loved you dearly I couldn't make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands to rest. God broke my heart to prove to me he only takes the best.

I miss you soon much it hurt. My heart is breaking inside and I don't know how to fix it. I just want to run away and hide, disappear for this world. I hate this feeling of loss! I have been grieving for so long now that I thought once you passed that I would be fine, but I'm not! It just hurts!

To those that need someone to talk to!

I first started this blog to keep a log of mom and her final days of life. I have since come across people that have shared the same experiences I have. I encourage any of you that are going through something to comment and keep in touch. I wish I had more of a support group while going through this. I am lucky to have found a co-worker who has a parent going through this and share experiences and to vent. Thanks Ash!